Today as A Total Blessing

Like usual, it came to me again.
This time, it happened so conspicuously that even i could notice it very clearly, awe-struck.
To be honest, the awe is not anymore intense to me as it happens to me so often that it almost makes my each and every day.
Just getting the hang of how to handle my dad's car, the red one, which is reputed for its lease-lessness, i tried to make a V-turn before i could be headed to fetch my mom from work. As i was half-way making the 'V', as in my car being about to make a thrust after completed the first half of the 'V', i step on the oil-paddle after turning my car into 1st gear, expecting a powerful thrust.
Here it comes. The miracle. The miraculous epiphany.
I got a jerk, and a sudden halt which entails it, instead of a thrust.
As i was about to take this inadvertently, a motorbike passed like a bird with break-neck speed, speeding obliquely across my initial route. The rider was a Malay guy fetching his friend behind.
I try to make out what will happen if the engine-death did not come in time, feeling a surge of shock melting towards warmth.

It happens to me again and again and again. Uncountable. Beyond my fish-brained memory power. But one thing that remains is the endearing touch that contacts my heart, that never fails to overwhelm me with gratefulness.
To him.
To them.
To all of them.

It's happening is always so coincident - whenever my faith starts to fade with doubt kicking in. It is always so sweet to feel protected and escorted. And then i will know that all i have been doing and believing are right.

Thanks.

You always have my gratefulness.

Read more...

A Tribute to A Dear Friend

A true friend of mine dear to the core of my heart she is.

Fulfilling the promise drawn between us where we both promise each other to write a blog post about each other.
There's reason for me to feel that the timing to write about her is just right, after having a small but sweet gathering with her and her '.........'
P/S fill in the blank yourself, she will definitely kill me if i make it so obvious. =P

For 11 years we have known each other; from acquaintances to best friends, we have gone a long way through all that which builds memories.
This is also the very hackneyed way i introduce her to my friend as my best friend.
11 years, which i believe, are more than mere numeric characters.
As how you know social network can all be thus convoluted, interweaving and connecting, she has somehow been there taking a firm footing within which my social sphere reaches.
Since standard two we had gone into the same class for 10 years - a rare serendipity to which i hold dear
We are the ones who serve to make noise, i suppose, to spice up the atmosphere which seems too grave to study to us. With us around, there rarely is quietness; i wouldn't say there is not, but, you may find it in scratches. Our laughter, more of hers, never fail to thunder through the air and agitate us all around.

We can be on the phone for hours provided that we are too full for lunch and dinner, and our cordless phone stores enough of battery power.
All the phone calls, make her the gossiped girl friend of mine among my family members, with which i can live perfectly.

She is acclaimed to be pretty and beautiful, as i find more under that pulchritudinous facade. More of what deserves my honor.

She has a very admirable character which wins us over and makes her our sweet heart of all time.

She has a very cheerful and sanguine attitude to all the embodiment of our world, our life. She is the one who always cheers me up and 'pats' on my shoulder and away all the dismay that shrouds me in. I have forgotten the exact words of what she said, but, what i am still certain about is that it is all so invigorating, soothing and inspiring. But i definitely can live without her shouting and yelling at my ears in a faceted way to do away with my dismal, which is often before i heard humming in my ears.
P/S i am loud too but she had just admitted that she is WAY louder than me. XD
As far as she is concerned she never let pessimism get into her way, not either in those who are around her.
Still remember how she gave me appropriate consultation at the very moment where i succumbed to the asphyxiating tension of the examinations, SPM.

She happens to be an impeccable adviser to each and everyone of us regarding our shared problems or personal issues. With the terrific approach she employs, she always reaches into our hearts and brings out what is inside of us which is able to pull us through the rain. Her advice has been constructive ones as she spares all the bullshit and crapping to our daily conversation.
One phone call or message away is how close she is to all of us.

She is forgiving, like how Christianity emphasizes. She does not hold tight to every mistake we have made, which though sometimes hurt her to her core soul. She smile away all the sorrow that overcast and bring us back the sunshine that we are thirst for.

She fails in keeping secrets. All our secrets are so elusive when they come to her mouth, however what is tenacious is her entitlement of “大嘴巴”(Big mouth). XD < like you :P
But this is good, in the way that it draws us closer to each other as we indirectly share our secrets with each other through her.

She is smart and it is very perspicuous. She does not really need to study as she has her own way of picking up the subject. Like all the geniuses do. You can still see her hanging around on MSN, Facebook even with SPM drawing terrifyingly near.

Her tributes are definitely beyond the restriction by my language power.
Our camaraderie is beyond words of expression.

Seriously,
I don't know how my secondary school life will be like without you.
I don't know how can i be helpful when you are down with your problem.
I don't know how to make up to you for all the wrong that had been done to you.
I don't know how to sugarcoat my words to reach the 'sweetness' of you to all of us, either.
But, what I do know for sure is that,

I love you as my best friend.
We love you as our best friend.

Chris Tan.

Thanks again, for everything, sweetie.

=)

Ernie

Read more...

Depressed. Wavering morale. Spirit-crisis comes striking like a sledgehammer at a very wrong moment. 

I find myself very much entangled with imbroglio in self-defining. 

Feeling depressed in assigning myself to the fact that,

repetition in the usage of certain impeccable potion will somehow vitiate its expedition in healing the wound. The wound has been immune to it already, since way back when, a time can't even i remember.

 stil got a long way to go.

somehow, i have to gird myself for all the oncoming rains, rocks and  pitfalls. 

Read more...

The shadows are drawing pretty close. The dismaying ones. Sometimes, you just simply couldn't find a reason to breath; you don't even have time for it! The avalanche of the pressure comes crumbling down, often causing  traumatically breathe-taking tragedies. But miraculously, the inveterate victim seems to have sifted an terrific outlet for it, albeit not to the realization of the victim itself.
Still watching the Nanny though the paucity of time is nibbling us. The subtleties of its action are moving closer to scarcity where it commences to be a gargantuan Glutton all of a sudden. Owing the power to the our fear and trepidation, it is poised to bring down anyone who has dropped his awareness.
Have had no shortage of epiphanies lately, which suggests the truism of the truth that normal people could not fathom. I feel really grateful for having this allegoric prerogative. It's ok if we should die with the reason as to why we should die and what we are dying for. But what if we die without knowing no more than a tinge about our seemly untimely death?
Think about it people.

Another thing that makes my day is the realization of the cutting-edge of that song that never fails to be more invigorating as it plays back to back.


Through the Rain 
Mariah Carey




When you get caught in the rain
With no where to run
When you're distraught and in pain without anyone
When you keep crying out to be saved

But nobody comes and you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
You can get there alone
It's okay, what you say is

I can make it through the rain, I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down, don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound, so keep pressing on steadfastly
And you'll find what you need to prevail
What you say is

I can make it through the rain, I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain

And when the rain blows, as shadows grow close
Don't be afraid, there's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you, you'll never pull through
Don't hesitate, stand tall and say

I can make it through the rain, I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
As I live once again
And I live one more day
I can make it through the rain
Yes you can
You gonna make it through the rain

Read more...

Selfishness. It has become a convention of human innate demeanor to embody the foregoing quality.

We, as normal persons, cannot be spared from its gnarled finger-grip and ugly convoluted tentacles. 

more often than not, it plagues us as with it comes a plurality of problematic troubles showering down out life. 

Literally, we are too obsessed in the state of things being rightfully US (literally us, not United States), and demarcating what are yours and what are mine. 

A baseline of ownership is drawn and polished meticulously so as not to offend anybody. 

However, the so-called attempt per se is pointless in the sense of promoting individuality and spelling the distancing between us. This just delineates the lack of closeness between those who supposedly are close together. 

Worse still, how many of us actually has settled down and had a deep thought about it, for even once? how many of us have drawn lessons from the strangeness-striking scenario that takes place from the two way interactions? Hardly, i would say, if not never.  

Don't be Selfish. Don't be selling-the-fish. Don't end up selling-the-fish.

Best,

Ernie

Read more...

Kind of spine-tingling at the knowledge of the presence of people starting to put attention on my blog, and anything i have left here. It's a subtle contrary as to how i feel about being under the surveillance of people around me - want to let the world knows who is this soul residing in the core of the wisp of a coward at one end, want to selfishly keep the subtleties of my life to myself at the other. Ya, this exacts who i am anyway. A little flapdoodle whose mind is seriously convoluted with confusion and imbroglio, an impeccable embodiment of powerlessness and lousiness.
Never mean to brag but, there are people coming up to me and say, how good, to a fault, my mastery of English language is. What follows, rather than invigorating gratification, is a mishmash of many things- a little bit of guilt, tinged with a fit of shame, loosely draped in a little bit of fear- as i know how not true it is. Fear of not being able to live up to the par, to the dubbed expectation, to the reputation. Snowed under the avalanche of pressure, much of which i have unknowingly imposed on myself, strangles me. For once, i could not breath. For once, when silence seems so loud, i cry out of fear. A fear i could not rid of. Muffled by tears, i just could not tell anybody about this.

It's examination stint again. Thanks a lot to my way-too-short-term memories, the inner agitation and anxiety are coming back to me, again, which have haunted me back in the days where i buried my head in the mountain of books, notes, frustrations, which is well-articulated with the confusion of what-if's, how-can-it-be's.
 
The strength that promise to pull me through all these seems there, but with no affirmation and assurance as to how long will it remain. It comes like a wind, leave like a breeze, often with my snort of disappointment.

It is now coming back to me.

Bless me.
Please.

Read more...

Life is full, if not to brim, of uncertainties and non-anticipation. This certainly holds true to certain extent, or rather, to a full extent, which is never impertinent to our life. Sometimes, you anticipate a result of scenario to unfold as a corollary of an action, but, as what fate boosts, the uncertainties would simply lunge away at a different direction leaving you staring at awe with mouth agape. 

This can be pleasing, as much as it is destructing with overwhelming volatility flinging you into a low confidence pitfall where you will have doubted yourself and your prediction as to what can the event end up. Shuddering to the max, you would not know how or where the hate would direct you. 

But, regardless of however you hate this dogmatic facts, life, at anyhow, still has to go right? Just up and embrace this pathetic fact and take it like a man. Gird your loin up man! o.<

Read more...

Being enmeshed and marooned in, and obliged to make it through this environmental fray is not never easy.
Especially for someone like me, a easily-complacent-cum-gratified fellow with no steely dauntlessness to up and advance, arming with chutzpah and confidence. Awareness of being substandard is all written on my face, as the smarties around me puff and huff on a daily basis, duping me as to what they are truly capable of. What they recite and chant are nothing more than flapdoodles, but to some extent i still believe in their profess, or rather, fool myself that im just imminent to being in a same league as them. If my unit is regarded as a quantum, then my role would be none other than laggard that drag the progress of the whole.
Notwithstanding, the position im now in now seems not dismaying anymore, like it always did. More aptly, it evolves into some sort of an impetus that empowers me to push myself even harder to nourish personal excellency, in terms of self-management and academic achievement. A concatenation as to what i should do or shan't do has been drawn ambiguously in my mind, yet its efficacy augurs well.
Again, that song imbues me with a zeal to move on, as well as the feeling that what i have been doing is passably orienting me to a direction i want to head.
To boil thing down, im blithe with my progress.

:) Bless me.

Read more...

Alleged Subordination of Man on KL Rapid.

Whilst 'man on the Clapham(district in south London, England) Omnibus(bus)' refers to imaginary person whose ideas and opinions are considered to be typical of ordinary British people, it brought to mind a new phrase referring to the typical civilian of the capital-of-cum-the-largest-metropolitan-city-in-Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur - 'Man on the KL rapid'.


While linguistic imagination of the author of this blog takes flight, it evolves into a sort of analysis of a particular population of civilians in the city, the KLian （which doesn't literally stand for kelian, ok). I'm definitely a neophyte here groping along my way to adapt to this brand new milieu around which my life in the near future would revolve. So, it's quite not seemly to comment about this beautiful place. Strewn with sky scrappers, draped in a spectrum of pomp and gaiety, vibrating with a framework of exciting lifestyles of la dolce vita full of glares and limelight. This is a beautiful place. 
Its beauty elicit the flocking of pulchritudinous blondes in blue cornea as well as blackies in sexy, slender figures into the city, morphing itself into a rendezvous into where people from all walks and kinds of life would congregate. This city was once dubbed as the best travel destination across Asia, which one cannot leave out. 
Fact of the matter, an assort of outcasts have been indispensable from this city. And it can be easily proven while you saunter down the street and find some figures of 'conspicuous hues and height' with striking features, bobbling up and down in the sea of the crowd. Practically, they are bestowed upon an uplifted social status to which each and everyone of men on the street would look up. They are discerned as packages of perfection: A monetarily strong background, a marveling look that never fails to fascinate, and a body trunk of well-ripped muscles and abs. 
(I highlight only the masculine kind of them as due to their relevance to my life.) 
It's not hard for us who are staying in a hostel inhabited by people of more than one skin colour, to spot a silhouette of manliness wandering about the garden, half-naked. Their body attracts more glimpses of enviousness after their work-outs which are done in the midst of the pleasant attention of others and in the middle of the garden.
Watching out of the windowpane, we the locals can't help but showing a multitude of admiration. In hindsight, some plans are drawn out where we are obliged to march ourselves down to the gymnasium to have some serious and frenetic exercises to honour our own bodies like how they do. Definitely, some bodily corrections are explicitly required.


Anyway, which guy on earth doesn't want to have a to-die-for body image?


However, it's not something that comes with no string attached. It takes immoderate desire and dauntless determination. It's not simply something we can covet, for now, may be. Our main focus is not restricted to only building a divinely body image, but we focus on constructing our future. We are not like them. Perhaps, they have the intelligence that allows them to only browse through the notes the night before the exam and are still able to pass with flying colours. And thus, their seeming blandness in garnering knowledge and the mastery of the syllables of the courses. They have time to work their bodies really hard in the way that it really rips their bodies, but at a same time, robs them off the energy to carry out other activities, like study. We certainly won't risk our necks by doing that on a daily basis and end up flunking the papers and bringing down the world we have been constructing so far. 


We honour ourselves. Just that the way we accomplish it is different from theirs. 
Man on the Clampham Omnibus is not far off the man on the KL Rapid.

Read more...

College life. A benchmark that features the turning point of our life. it's a point of influx where maturity meets childishness. The mixture makes what we are for the time being.
College life, with gossips swirling the auditoriums and lecture halls, alongside with gales of convivial laughter with no inhibition, upbrings everyone in their own respective way. Some has a dignified way to undergo the metamorphosis, some has a smooth-sailing transition. it differs from one to one.

Should college life be not far off a body, then housemates are the integrals from which we can't be dispensable. They make up the wholeness of the former, and derives more than just a shred of importance. They can be saving graces when you are covered in shroud of urgency and have lost your head. They can be good targets for you to kill time in a natural way. They are more than what they seem to be. Some may contend that, they can live aloof from the community, let alone housemates. I would say nothing about it. But, whilst the neighbours next door are painting the town red, and you are all alone in the so-called comfort area of yours, needless to say, don't you think, there lies the refutation and its underpinning evidence?
Nonetheless, one point that's not a sweeping statement is that, relationships between humans are truly vulnerable. They are gravely fragile that a slight appearance of differences in the way humans opine would leave the comradeship in shreds.

Sometimes, having scholar housemates can only impact positively on your life, your perspective from which you are viewing the world, as well as your energy invested to give your own best shot in refining yourselves, or so you thought. It can go another way round, if you are not aware of. It's pressuring as concatenation goes and hit you right on the head. It's can be really hurt when you realize that what you think you are good at is surprisingly and relatively nonchalant to what others're capable of. Comparison is always there when sentient beings are amassing together. The idyllic stupor of which you have conceive yourself of one of the character, and have been in the character for quite a long while, burst all soon. The reality and its ruthlessness do slap, with you sliding down the gradient of confidence and get plunged into a world of losers. This is not the quality of being kiasu, but it's just that when others are capable of doing so, why don't we? And it' can be worse when you realize that your tenacity of knowledge is so bad that everything slips away and drop on the floor or wheresoever each time you make a turn on your head, have a good time laughing out your lunch over a lame joke, and simply, have a short nap to kill the scorching-hot-like-living-in-hell-fire afternoon. Fiend keeps beckoning me to be back to where from which i was once freed, and people around me who have no even a slight clue of what is going on, may have just smattered some craps like the pie-in-the-sky, Pollyanna-type and world-through-rose-coloured-classes concept that will reconstruct and bask me back again into the dream which have just burst.
Learning is hard. Going after scores is hard. But, aren't these the essence of making up a life a teenage? Don't try to refute me by saying that the real excitement we should have as teenagers are from la dolce vita built on the pillars of orgy or parties with no regard of anything concerning academics. That's so not true. Ok, be reminded the reason of what we are all doing now. WE ARE BUILDING OUR FUTURES! Your academic levels define and outline the framework of your life as a working person and mostly everything about it. Ya, you may try to contend with frowned eyebrows that academic, though important, is not everything in our working life. Ya, i could agree no more, but, watch out my words, i was saying that it DEFINES and OUTLINES the coarse silhouette of our careers. Many other things must have been taken into accounts before we can say one is successful in one way or another. There are more than one yardstick in this context.

Remember illiteracy does shackle and fetter. Til this end, don't under-ascertain the power and influence of education on your future. Wait, i think i have just swerved away from my main idea which initially i wanna talk about. Ok, there is a point where you may feel dog-tired, all-in, overwhelmed by the series of frenetic concatenation. Do hold on people, because you know exactly the reason why you re doing this, and how to make yourself energetic again. Don't regret only until the extent that you got to relinquish something you cherish, which you think that you have got a hang of it.  

Read more...

Tonight. is relatively cold compared to the other nights. It is just windy, and the cold breeze brings the coldness and its comfort to our rooms, so as the phenomenon of sentiment.
Tomorrow will be having my first ever topic test of MUFY, so as the first test of CSC. A technology idiot like me after struggled for two nights for computing information, finally found a moment that i can call mine. As the night grows outlandishly with my wakefulness. Thinking of scribble something here.
And here i am.
Came to realize that, though camouflaged by laughters and smiles and makeups, there are stories behind the typical looking faces of every single ones. There are stories that are more than interesting; it is something real and it's told by the persona himself. It's something miraculous.
Reading an article about duality in life, and so how the emotion inside me is brought up. i can feel her pain, her sadness.  As i was there, tip-toeing on the frontier of path led by two different decisions. Seeing the boundary outlined by tears, by sweats, and by speculation on which one is the correct one. Each of them lies equally fair, and enticing. I have been trying to find that word. Now i have found it from my friend.
Postiveness.

I know that im not good in making decisions, and letting go the corresponding ramifications of that which are one decision away from me. But now, here i am. leading a new phase of my life already. Now am still searching for the best configuration to my behaviour and attitude that goes well with lifestyle.

Am here i am. starting to know new friends, being close to them, and sharing our laughters together,

And here i am, pacing my way towards a future i have chosen.

And here i am, standing still on my feet.
I look back to that line of separation of the paths, i know there is no turning back.

And here i am, ready to face the world and its everything.

Read more...

Today, a day spent in the library together with my cousin, a day trying to wake my rusty brain that had not been working for too long up. This is so painful that you come to realize that your brain aint working when you are confronting a stakes of handouts that are constitutes of words of information that tries to enrich ur knowledge. It's even more painful when you realize that you cannot get a firm hold on everything u thought u have devoured, especially on academics. the feeling that you start to think and consider yourself as nothing but a dump. It feels so, wrong..

As we know, there lies the notable realm that separates the phase of secondary school life and life being a college student. There are certain changes that are inevitable for you to make; to configure yourself in order to make it through all the thorns and loops that lay along the way you re heading. Sometimes, we just cannot remain unchanged if we are to survive the big waves in life. College life denotes the essential of maturity; which counts the most when you are trying to solve problem, and also avoid problem from coming. And now this is what im going for. The street-wisdom, the tactfulness in handling speech and relationship. It takes wisdom and intelligence. The way of college students pick up knowledge is totally far and different from spoon-feeding. You have to put an effort to acquire the knowledge you need to maintain the grades. It's no easy job. Feeling hopeless to come to realize that how shallow we are.

Another thing is, attitude. Or behavior. in terms of this, i already got someone to look up to; she is a package of perfection regarding her way of facing the world. She permeates an amazing aura that make her gleam and shine in the middle of the crowd. When she stood out, you can assert that she is somebody; her behavior tells that. Her way of handling relationships and getting the best of it are just simply enticing. in hindsight i pledge to be like her, or just nearer to being in a same league with her.

i know, i still need alot of life experience to season me and morph me into a true adult. i still need alot of guides so that i can grope my way out of all doubts and uncertainties; there are still alot of failures that i have to undergo before i can feel the taste of true success...

Read more...

Huh.. The one speaking now is a MUFY student who is aiming to study in MONASH UNIVERSITY, one of the world top-ranked university XD proud of that..

whilst blending myself in the beauty of the beginning of my college life, among the sea of heads of people popping  up and down in the crowd, i know the pressure is there already. Because firstly, the bar to gain an entry into monash itself is pretty high already. Secondly, the people beside me are all so damn smart one. It 's till the extent that even if you simply bump into anyone of the MUFY student, he/ she probably is one of the full A+ students.  

My housemates? ok erm.. they are all very kind and friendly. Juz now juz come bec from The Lunch Box chatting wif my senior, ling hui. And she is going to fly already in the next february. its so sad T.T

.....

Actually its not my style to write a post like this, if u re familiar with my way of dashing off in the blog. Actually there is something plying into my mind and threaten to spill out. but, i think i couldn't write it here. i just simply can't. But from this thing, i truly realize that the way u treat others significantly affects the way people think of you and how much he/she is looking forward to see you again.. Kind of depressed now. But i will seriously learn a lesson from that.. Remember, always give others a staircase to come down from the stage. It's no point trying to overpower others all the times. This will do nothing but bring down the connection between you and him. T.T

Read more...

As the night grows, the moisture in the air becomes more and more profound. it links me to the cold weather in Europe countries, or Canada, to be exact, a place with which i have a nodding acquaintance. We have rubbed our shoulders as we move on with our life. A beautiful place, also a place i knew that i will never stand a chance to set my foot upon. 
Enough with the sentiment, the night itself  denotes a milestone that serves to refresh me on that feeling. Feeling, of being looked up to by somebody, somebody in true need. Somebody who turns their head to you, with a harbour of hope in their hearts that the person standing in front of them would give them a leg up in getting over the hiccups that they are made to encounter in their life-long venture. The trust and belief, they give me, is something i crave in the bottom of my heart. Anyway, who on earth doesn't hope for an affirmation from the people in their life in believing their own ability?
This reaffirms my stand, my decision, my persistence of being a doctor, that is to, help people by utilizing all of what we know and our commitment to find out what we don't really know. 
Helping people. Ya, that's the reason why i give in to the chance to which others think the world of, the reason why i give up the treasurable opportunity to study oversea and experience life outside the pigeonhole people having on me in regard of my background, the reason i let go of an occupation that presume-ly never fails to assures me the high incomes and more-than-decent welfare.
This particular call and this particular help asked by my friend, more or less, defines the next 40 years of my life. Now my belief ignites with a note that suggests, 'i would find the meaning of life in this job.'   
Hope that i am making the right decision. Ya, i AM making the right decision...

Read more...

am physically having headache which becomes more and more progressive. But, it's somewhat a problem i need to surmount and get above of it if i'm to become a doctor. As life as a houseman ain't going down well for me if im having enough vigour to get through the torturous stint in doing my housemanship. Having not enough sleep is the least of my problem i think.
So fast making the decision which decides and defines the next 40 years of yours? you asked. 
yes, the decision is largely made, but, just got bumped over some mental hiccups , which i think, is much needed for me to make it a point to know deeper about my job will-be.
Ok..
i bet, there must be some craziness have sneaked into my head and flourished and 'puff', and there i was, stranded in the midst of dilemma. Doing geology or medicine? Going to Canada or remaining in Malaysia and it's perfectness? What-if's and how-about's overwhelmed my head. I was jammed. Literally. 
Like a baby scrambling and groping in the darkness for something he recognised. May be, the warmness he feels to the touch of his mother's bony and gnarled fingers. 
Should my aptitude as medical-practitioner-to-be be appraised, i think, i should disclose that who am i at the first place. 


Ernie Loo. A person with shallow mind and susceptible and vulnerable heart of which concussion or even touch is prohibited. 
Always struggle in confidence crisis. Having short-term memories (in other words, forgetful). And that's all which makes up ernie.

-to be continued..

Read more...

Blankness in My Mind

Just simply trying to dash something off tonight.
This is no simple night.
i was made to understand some sort of life philosophy that i cant wait to practice it in my life.
It is kind of exciting if we keep on trying something new that is mooted or preached by someone you look up to, regardless of whether it concerns religion.
The philosophy sounds like this: 
Do you ever realize that how much thought are running and flashing across your mind in, probably, a day, an hour, a minute, or even a second. 
They come and drift away so quickly, like teleportation, that you don't even stand a chance to notice their existence. Faster than a split of second. Really. The philosophy suggests that, if you can let go of everything in your mind, you can find real peace and serenity and wisdom surfacing from the deepest of your mind. 
Imagine that you are doing whatever thing in your life without a thought in your mind, let alone all the selfishness, jealousy, rage and other of same kind. Just rely solely on your mere intuition. i once wonder that will it bring nothing but compulsiveness, or will it bring us to the best way to making the best decision. 
Huuu... now am trying to clear my mind, and let the so-called and much-expected wisdom kicks in. And blankness in my mind is all the raw material for me to create this post. And i suppose that my level aint on par with that suggested in the philosophy O.O

Read more...

ENDURANCE

Endurance. 
A word indigenously tagged on someone who are already soaring high enough to touch the rainbow, to drink its exquisite beauty, and to look to the other side of it, if there is a pot of gold or whatsoever. 
It is a totally unrelated matter, but here i want to quote from a senior of mine - There is no garden of Eden, there are only people in fighting spirit. 


Endurance.
Normally and reflexively we will combine it to 'pain', 'sufferings' and 'toil' with a note that suggests a statement like this - we will find a way out if we put it through all the rains and torrents that get into our ways. The road to success is lined with many tempting parking spaces, right? But this is not something i want to touch on today, because, with the passage of life, i think i find some new meaning for this particularly stereotypical word.


Endurance.
is actually too crucial to mankind who never fails to find themselves constantly dealing with others of the same species living with the same niche. Relationship between individual and individual has always been an issue that always stirs up an uproar within everyone, be it internally or externally. And the relationship can be the cornerstone which other issues stem from. For instance, friendship,   comradeship, neighbourliness, love (for family and for lovers) and so many more. The influxes between people, should it be categorized, can be largely divided into two - To foster and to distance. Actually, we can't possibly line the boundaries of the two, since nothing is absolute if it concerns sensuality. However, one thing for certain is that, we are actually bettering the situation if our distance ain't taking backward steps. But, keeping a safe distance itself is already something difficult to achieve and it will take a lot of things and wisdom to reach. Every way leads to Rom, likewise the concept of making all of your relationships work. But i find one of the essential ways, is to endure. 


I know you know better than that if i say there are times where fights and arguments are inevitable. You will sense it when the air is getting heavier and more and more congested, or the breathes of growls are growing; you are somehow able to tell the impendence of the coming disputes. And here comes the time where wisdom and rationality count the most. 


Most of the people i met in my life, i would say, is like a arid match meets a spark of flame when they come to deal with sprouting argument, which is denoted by the voice which octaves have been progressively raised up. When we are blinded by our anger and rage, we would simply blurt out words directly without much thought. And that is when the argument would reach its peak.


Have you ever realized that the words being rifled out of your mouth would carry the most devastating effect? Those remarks are usually acerbic, pungent, and hurting the most that would simply make slices on the hearts of those standing before you, who have been loving you the most. Trickling teardrops would always follow this kind of situation; Tears of remorse would always brim the speaker's eyes with a flow of warmth as soonly as the speaker realize how moroon and compulsive he was at the split of second before, while, the tears of sorrow would dribble and outline the figure of the face of the listener as sweet memories of the duo have just washed his mind.     



Note that if you couldn't hold that breathe of anger for a little while, you would have to spend the rest of lifetime regretting the foolishness of your compulsion. Some wounds take a life time to heal, you know. Like the cracks on a shattered-but-pasted glassware. The marks are not going anywhere. They stay.


Personally i have been made to face this kind of encounter as i am just about to step into adulthood. The aftermath of the torrents that happen in our household, between our friends and us and in our life, are something we can't really swallow.
So,


Endurance,
is you need the most when you realize that you would say whatever you like when you are getting mad. Bear the embarrassment you face through the shower of words, endure the remarks of the action of the corresponding party. Don't fight back. Take it silently, although there is a turbulence happening in you; If he would like to swing his fist to land a stinging punch on you, let him do whatever thing to release his rage. 
As the guilty emotion recedes, he will regret definitely. 


Great Buddha Gautama Siddharta: 

'Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes'

Christianity (Matthew 5:39):

'If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.'

and i strongly believe that other religions teach the same thing too...

It's all actually up to you, to be the rational one who sincerely wishes to keep the relationship largely intact, or to be the one who are governed by his own selfish emotions and feelings without considering others' 
feeling in the bottom of their hearts...

   

Read more...

Today is not a day, the least likely to be a day for me. 

It's very upsetable when you become the crux of the conflicts incurred between the people who centres around your life, to be precise, the one you love and love you..

The problems are getting more and more rancid, but all of us would rather paper over the cracks, let alone the terms or anything having any linkage to the problem.

Things are getting more and more out of my control. And i hate being the culprit that could barely do anything to rectify the problem.

Read more...

The skies turned a bit gloomy overcast with dark heavy clouds which threatened to open up its belly and unleash everything out.


Fingers on the keyboard. Eyes staring at the screen. Mind trying to digest and encrypt the scientific terms that have special linkage with the future i'm about to explore. 'Eon', 'Andean', 'Proterozoic', the list goes on till the extent that my mind couldn't grip anyone of them.
It's a long-known fact that my mind doesn't go down well with long-time reading, or rather, with too many words lying there in a conventional, non-enticing way.
i looked out of the building. the sky was still emotional in the way that it overpowered the beauty of the multi-hues spectrum of the sunlight. However, it was still not dark enough to let silver linings to make their appearance.


Looking inside myself dawned upon me. i had lost some parts of me. But what is it?
Erm... Owh~ i think i had figured it out - unwavering spirit and morale.
i wondered where it had gone.
No idea. 


Scholarship. An eye-straining word to the quantum of the scholars out there with a respective dream. A dream of transformation. A dream that can morph them into somebodies who are able to give enough assurance to his family with no worries about tomorrow. 
i am lucky enough to grab one though. 
This realizes my dream to study oversea, at the same time, broadening up and extending my view and knowledge. Many people, almost all of them, eggs on me to embrace this present dropped from heaven by advocating their little smatter about the job outlooks and how grandiose the company that i ll be working with, is and will be.
However,
some of them who really discerns my case to its bottom part, would tell me one thing unanimously . " Most importantly you have to be interested and keen about your job. " Yes, there lies the crux of the whole situation. And so, all these superficial research im making in reference to mostly Wikipedia. 
Earth, rocks, minerals. Those are the words i need to deal with day in and day out once i nod my head upon the request whether to take up the scholarship. For once, i felt very uncomfortable and annoyed with all these words, and also the fact that i ll be living with the igneous rocks, sedimentary rocks and metamorphic rocks. 
But suddenly, that discomfort went off after i recalled how had i just advised my friend on her love problem over an almost-one-hour-continual phone call.
Im considered lucky already. 
there is still many of them almost succumbing themselves to the undulating wave of fate that is way too fickle and uncertain, while i could still seize on a buoyant, not to mention it's a very safe and promising one.


Just in pat, that song came along, encouraging me not to give up and to make it through the rain.
'Thought is already is late, exactly is the earliest time', right?
i took a deep breathe, and looked outside again. 


The sun reappears with warm sunlight...

Read more...

Have learned to put things down, have learned not to be so hard-headed..

Read more...

Awakening, Rude one..

Huh.. I should thank to my friend Jane Phang (a friend i met in PETRONAS EduQuest Camp), she shared a link on facebook pertaining to the condition of how Harvarders study. 
The link comes with an intriguing title : The library of Harvard University well-lit with students enthusiasm at wee hours

Surprisingly it hits me. Wake me up from long-time unnecessary grieving. Since, i feel very ashamed with my own behaviour and attitude. 
From the link, i understand that how 'crazily' the students in Harvard University study and strive for a betterself, the way how they keep on refining themselves through stakes of books and a heart of zeal. It is really and totally no play and all works. But they are all not becoming Jack. They are to become somebody. It's kind of evident from the fact that Harvard has produced 33 Nobel Prize holders, 7 Presidents of USA and a slew of experts in assorted fields so far.
Finishing admiring and marveling Harvard University, come back to Malaysia and its university life, it's totally  a different pot of fishes. One word enough to tell everything - Non-comparable. The points are, when those scholars in USA are working so hard in the universities, we are enjoying ourselves tweeting in Facebook; When those students are just about to start studying, we are just about to lose ourselves in the ecstasy of dreaming; When those future leaders are having 2 hours of slumber a day, we are just ranting and raving about how not enough sleep we have.
They got their hearts we got ours. But our hearts are too vulnerable to challenges and lack of morale. They dream high, work crazily, and succeed big. But, we dream high, work reluctantly, and complain of everything that doesn't come to us when it supposedly should. 
For me, it is a rude awakening that comes in pat, to be honest with you. It's even more than that, it points me into a real way about how i should deal with the problems pending in the future. It's not fun at all. It's suffering,  but more importantly, we should learn to grope for happiness and enjoyment from great anguish. Not grumbling about how unfair the way fate works and twists. 


Ten phrases that stands conceitedly in the library of the world no 1 university:

1. This moment will nap, you will have a dream; But this moment study,you will interpret a dream.

2. I leave uncultivated today, was precisely yesterday perishes tomorrow which person of the body implored

3. Thought is already is late, exactly is the earliest time.

4. Not matter of the today will drag tomorrow.

5. Time the study pain is temporary, has not learned the pain islife-long.

6. Studies this matter, lacks the time, but is lacks diligently.

7. Perhaps happiness does not arrange the position, but succeeds must arrange the position.

8. The study certainly is not the life complete. But, since continually life part of – studies also is unable to conquer, what but also can make?

9. Please enjoy the pain which is unable to avoid.

10. Only has compared to the others early, diligently diligently, can feel the successful taste.

11. Nobody can casually succeed, it comes from the thorough self-control and the will.

12. The time is passing.

13. Now drips the saliva, will become tomorrow the tear.

14. The dog equally study, the gentleman equally plays.

15. Today does not walk, will have to run tomorrow.

16. The investment future person will be, will be loyal to the realityperson.

17. The education level represents the income.

18. One day, has not been able again to come.

19. Even if the present, the match does not stop changes the page.

20. Has not been difficult, then does not have attains.

I regain my energy to fight for my life, to fend for my future. That' what i get, so what you get on the other side?


http://wenku.baidu.com/view/ebf18241be1e650e52ea99f0.html

Read more...

The Greyish Skies...

I suppose i have just somehow reached the some sort of nadir of my life..
The feeling of soaring up to the sky and suddenly hurtling down from the zenith of my life bound for somewhere near to the hell,  ain't something bearable for me..
I start to wonder why.
Why what, you ask. Why all these odds against me?
Getting straight A+ in SPM, getting a sponsorship from PETRONAS..
Ya, to others it seems that i have been granted everything divine and wonderful in one person's life, one striving scholar's life, to be precise.
But, they took away the real hope of mine, JPA scholarship.




I was kind of stunned there when I get to know the result of my application for JPA sponsorship.
This is not something I ll ever expect in my life, never once, in my wildest dream.
It feels like you have been having yourself lying on a bed of roses, but out of a sudden, the bed flipped over with you tumbling down onto a bed of nails beneath.
It dawns on me that, maybe, my dream that have basked me ever since the day for the SPM result to release, has come to its end. And abruptly it jolted me back from the flashbacks of my memories in Genting Highland with one of my best friends, to the ruthless reality. At the moment, I got so many things criss-crossing in my mind, threatening to spill out. But this particular friend lying in front of me ain't a suitable confidant for me to pour everything out. So, I chose to hush myself up. The feeling of things bottling up in your mind till it reached a threshold where my mind itself couldn't hold it for any longer.


My friend was right, ' if you don't get a good offer from JPA, your SPM slip is somehow nothing more than a trash, no matter how fancy and flawless it looks.' And now it's exactly what happening to me. I think, my two other friends are also not feeling any better than that.


Now, I start to believe in karma, in the sense that you will get what you have done. But it's kind of impossible for me to look back to my past-life to see what degree of offence i have made that is enough to cause all these to happen to me.
I am not supposedly sad since it comes with a backup plan since there is somebody who is more unlucky than im, 
i should be grateful for everything i have laid my hands on,
but, for now, geologist is not really what i want to do...


Curious bout the way my fate works and how far and where it will bring me ...

Read more...

Do Distance Really Makes Friendship Fonder?

Distance. Change. Time. Togetherness. Something in common.


Stumbling upon the words above, what has flashed across your mind?
There are some times in my life where i would ask myself what is the true meaning of 'friendship', 'best friend', 'good friend' and 'friends of mutuality', and the ways to define them.
Wondering if friendship is only one of the insignificant snippet of life?
If it's not, what kind of role it should play in our lives?
Okey, now for me, i am groping to find my own encryption for the word 'friend'.
Friend, is the one who will be your side.
Friend, is the one who will be your side all the time.
Friend, is the one who will be your side all the time through ups and downs.
Friend, is the one who will be your side all the time through ups and downs and will never hesitate to reach out a helpful hand.
Friend, is the one who will be your side all the time through ups and downs and will never hesitate to reach out a helpful hand without string attached.
Friend, is the one who will be your side all the time through ups and downs and will never hesitate to reach out a helpful hand without string attached, despite all the accuses against you.
Friend, is the one who will be your side all the time through ups and downs and will never hesitate to reach out a helpful hand without string attached, despite all the accuses against you and never be red-eyed on your success.
Friend, is the one who will be your side all the time through ups and downs and will never hesitate to reach out a helpful hand without string attached, despite all the accuses against you and never be red-eyed on your success, at the same time will never look down on you while luck just had it.


So, to assess the depth of a friendship, i think, you may take this as a joystick to measure how far you all have been, and how far, both of you still can go.
But, sometimes, we human tends to be too ambitious about something without taking rationality into our accounts, citing 'friendship'.


Huh.. Still haven't given up in my quest for best friends..

Read more...

TIRED~

The day could not be more hectic as my days are pre-occupied with all kinds of activities.
Just drop by to tell you guys that im still alive ^ ^

feeling sleepy as minute grows.. SO Chao for now... ZzZ

Read more...

Decision

Decision.
Making a decision is many times harder than i could ever imagine. Especially in things associated with my future and my career. 
Ever since i was given the right to make my own decision, ranging from trivia to important things that could change my life, I suck in making decision. I always hesitate, even though the thing that keeps plying into my mind is just a matter of unimportant thing like whether to eat an ice-cream, whether to take a nap, etc..
In accordance to Chinese physiognomy（面相学）, the person who is born with big ears (note that the size of our ears are evaluated by ratio of ears to face) is shrewd in making wise decision, and the converse is also true. Unluckily, I am exactly the opposite one.
Now, it's time for me decide which road i should choose. Myriad of opinions comes pouring in, even more than i could swallow and digest. Worse still, Every opinion seems making perfect sense to me. Some are supportive in backing me up and encouraging to me so that i should choose this road, and others just oppose it with lot of underpinning facts that seem too true to be taken into accounts. While i am still groping for a best answer, autocracy slowly makes an appearance in my life...
It comes vaguely in indistinct figure, i still cannot assure that whether that is autocracy or whatsoever. 


Frankly, half of me craves for freedom in making my decision without any influence from others. But this region in my heart also fear that there may be possibility that i am making a wrong decision because i am shallow; Another half of me craves for others' opinions in terms of the decision im about to make as they may look things in a wider view and angle, but, this part of me, is also worried that the decision i make is not based on what i really wants in the bottom of my heart and is not proportional to my aptitude that god grants to me. 


My intention, others' opinions, both are equally important but, i should always look inside myself and listen to the voice within before looking out for others' opinions on this stuff. Because, the one who has to live with the decision made, is not anyone else who is now too keen to offer his opinion, but, myself.

i suppose that rabbit are the best decision makers in the world XD

Read more...

Overdomination

Do u ever realize that u have sometimes seized the chance of voicing ur opinion too tight, till the extent that, others beside u dun stand a chance to tell their perceptions too?

In my life, there are people talking too wise, there are people dun even bother to let the world notice them and others to construe their mind. today, i have met two kinds of people who are talking wise. 

But, what is meant by talking wise in the first place then?

Talking wise, means a person speaks the right thing at the right moment to the right people, at the same time never fail to impress other about their wisdom and knowledge. The repercussion is, others will start to notice about you and be deeply impressed. People will feel comfortable talking to this kind of people. 

In my life, there is a figure who never fails to impress me whenever he/she talks. He/She is knowledgeable and it's not hard for others to see that. He/She is some sort of a consultant to us when we are troubled by some inevitable ordeals. He/She is nice, friendly and approachable. Most importantly, he/she knows how to back off seeing others about to move forward. He/She gives leeway to others to voice their mind and respect and gives allowance to the difference in opinions. i admire him/she personally, although sometimes his/her jokes sometimes turn to be over the top. 

Another one, he/she is somehow, to me, talking too wise. He/She knows alot, there is no question about that. But the problem is, the way he/she express himself/herself. He/She, keeps making his/her pace, regardless of people beside them. Others who collides with him/her would always be the ones who fall and the embarrassed one because of his/her strong presence. His/Her words sometimes turn to be noticeably acerbic when his/her voice rises a few octaves. People easily gets hurt if they don't fathom the whole situation as he/she always keep himself/herself in high esteem even though he/she realizes his/her mistakes.  I still love him/her although sometime I would still be bruised by his/her words that comes showering...

i am glad that my Lord let me know this two kinds of person so as to enlighten me on the importance of the way we should talk. ^ ^

Read more...