As the night grows, the moisture in the air becomes more and more profound. it links me to the cold weather in Europe countries, or Canada, to be exact, a place with which i have a nodding acquaintance. We have rubbed our shoulders as we move on with our life. A beautiful place, also a place i knew that i will never stand a chance to set my foot upon. 
Enough with the sentiment, the night itself  denotes a milestone that serves to refresh me on that feeling. Feeling, of being looked up to by somebody, somebody in true need. Somebody who turns their head to you, with a harbour of hope in their hearts that the person standing in front of them would give them a leg up in getting over the hiccups that they are made to encounter in their life-long venture. The trust and belief, they give me, is something i crave in the bottom of my heart. Anyway, who on earth doesn't hope for an affirmation from the people in their life in believing their own ability?
This reaffirms my stand, my decision, my persistence of being a doctor, that is to, help people by utilizing all of what we know and our commitment to find out what we don't really know. 
Helping people. Ya, that's the reason why i give in to the chance to which others think the world of, the reason why i give up the treasurable opportunity to study oversea and experience life outside the pigeonhole people having on me in regard of my background, the reason i let go of an occupation that presume-ly never fails to assures me the high incomes and more-than-decent welfare.
This particular call and this particular help asked by my friend, more or less, defines the next 40 years of my life. Now my belief ignites with a note that suggests, 'i would find the meaning of life in this job.'   
Hope that i am making the right decision. Ya, i AM making the right decision...

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am physically having headache which becomes more and more progressive. But, it's somewhat a problem i need to surmount and get above of it if i'm to become a doctor. As life as a houseman ain't going down well for me if im having enough vigour to get through the torturous stint in doing my housemanship. Having not enough sleep is the least of my problem i think.
So fast making the decision which decides and defines the next 40 years of yours? you asked. 
yes, the decision is largely made, but, just got bumped over some mental hiccups , which i think, is much needed for me to make it a point to know deeper about my job will-be.
Ok..
i bet, there must be some craziness have sneaked into my head and flourished and 'puff', and there i was, stranded in the midst of dilemma. Doing geology or medicine? Going to Canada or remaining in Malaysia and it's perfectness? What-if's and how-about's overwhelmed my head. I was jammed. Literally. 
Like a baby scrambling and groping in the darkness for something he recognised. May be, the warmness he feels to the touch of his mother's bony and gnarled fingers. 
Should my aptitude as medical-practitioner-to-be be appraised, i think, i should disclose that who am i at the first place. 


Ernie Loo. A person with shallow mind and susceptible and vulnerable heart of which concussion or even touch is prohibited. 
Always struggle in confidence crisis. Having short-term memories (in other words, forgetful). And that's all which makes up ernie.

-to be continued..

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Blankness in My Mind

Just simply trying to dash something off tonight.
This is no simple night.
i was made to understand some sort of life philosophy that i cant wait to practice it in my life.
It is kind of exciting if we keep on trying something new that is mooted or preached by someone you look up to, regardless of whether it concerns religion.
The philosophy sounds like this: 
Do you ever realize that how much thought are running and flashing across your mind in, probably, a day, an hour, a minute, or even a second. 
They come and drift away so quickly, like teleportation, that you don't even stand a chance to notice their existence. Faster than a split of second. Really. The philosophy suggests that, if you can let go of everything in your mind, you can find real peace and serenity and wisdom surfacing from the deepest of your mind. 
Imagine that you are doing whatever thing in your life without a thought in your mind, let alone all the selfishness, jealousy, rage and other of same kind. Just rely solely on your mere intuition. i once wonder that will it bring nothing but compulsiveness, or will it bring us to the best way to making the best decision. 
Huuu... now am trying to clear my mind, and let the so-called and much-expected wisdom kicks in. And blankness in my mind is all the raw material for me to create this post. And i suppose that my level aint on par with that suggested in the philosophy O.O

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ENDURANCE

Endurance. 
A word indigenously tagged on someone who are already soaring high enough to touch the rainbow, to drink its exquisite beauty, and to look to the other side of it, if there is a pot of gold or whatsoever. 
It is a totally unrelated matter, but here i want to quote from a senior of mine - There is no garden of Eden, there are only people in fighting spirit. 


Endurance.
Normally and reflexively we will combine it to 'pain', 'sufferings' and 'toil' with a note that suggests a statement like this - we will find a way out if we put it through all the rains and torrents that get into our ways. The road to success is lined with many tempting parking spaces, right? But this is not something i want to touch on today, because, with the passage of life, i think i find some new meaning for this particularly stereotypical word.


Endurance.
is actually too crucial to mankind who never fails to find themselves constantly dealing with others of the same species living with the same niche. Relationship between individual and individual has always been an issue that always stirs up an uproar within everyone, be it internally or externally. And the relationship can be the cornerstone which other issues stem from. For instance, friendship,   comradeship, neighbourliness, love (for family and for lovers) and so many more. The influxes between people, should it be categorized, can be largely divided into two - To foster and to distance. Actually, we can't possibly line the boundaries of the two, since nothing is absolute if it concerns sensuality. However, one thing for certain is that, we are actually bettering the situation if our distance ain't taking backward steps. But, keeping a safe distance itself is already something difficult to achieve and it will take a lot of things and wisdom to reach. Every way leads to Rom, likewise the concept of making all of your relationships work. But i find one of the essential ways, is to endure. 


I know you know better than that if i say there are times where fights and arguments are inevitable. You will sense it when the air is getting heavier and more and more congested, or the breathes of growls are growing; you are somehow able to tell the impendence of the coming disputes. And here comes the time where wisdom and rationality count the most. 


Most of the people i met in my life, i would say, is like a arid match meets a spark of flame when they come to deal with sprouting argument, which is denoted by the voice which octaves have been progressively raised up. When we are blinded by our anger and rage, we would simply blurt out words directly without much thought. And that is when the argument would reach its peak.


Have you ever realized that the words being rifled out of your mouth would carry the most devastating effect? Those remarks are usually acerbic, pungent, and hurting the most that would simply make slices on the hearts of those standing before you, who have been loving you the most. Trickling teardrops would always follow this kind of situation; Tears of remorse would always brim the speaker's eyes with a flow of warmth as soonly as the speaker realize how moroon and compulsive he was at the split of second before, while, the tears of sorrow would dribble and outline the figure of the face of the listener as sweet memories of the duo have just washed his mind.     



Note that if you couldn't hold that breathe of anger for a little while, you would have to spend the rest of lifetime regretting the foolishness of your compulsion. Some wounds take a life time to heal, you know. Like the cracks on a shattered-but-pasted glassware. The marks are not going anywhere. They stay.


Personally i have been made to face this kind of encounter as i am just about to step into adulthood. The aftermath of the torrents that happen in our household, between our friends and us and in our life, are something we can't really swallow.
So,


Endurance,
is you need the most when you realize that you would say whatever you like when you are getting mad. Bear the embarrassment you face through the shower of words, endure the remarks of the action of the corresponding party. Don't fight back. Take it silently, although there is a turbulence happening in you; If he would like to swing his fist to land a stinging punch on you, let him do whatever thing to release his rage. 
As the guilty emotion recedes, he will regret definitely. 


Great Buddha Gautama Siddharta: 

'Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes'

Christianity (Matthew 5:39):

'If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.'

and i strongly believe that other religions teach the same thing too...

It's all actually up to you, to be the rational one who sincerely wishes to keep the relationship largely intact, or to be the one who are governed by his own selfish emotions and feelings without considering others' 
feeling in the bottom of their hearts...

   

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Today is not a day, the least likely to be a day for me. 

It's very upsetable when you become the crux of the conflicts incurred between the people who centres around your life, to be precise, the one you love and love you..

The problems are getting more and more rancid, but all of us would rather paper over the cracks, let alone the terms or anything having any linkage to the problem.

Things are getting more and more out of my control. And i hate being the culprit that could barely do anything to rectify the problem.

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